I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
