So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Randomize
