I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
