Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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