Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
