she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
