glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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