This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
