He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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