there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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