Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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