Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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