Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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