i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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