My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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