Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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