I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
