Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
