I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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