There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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