yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
