Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
