Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
