Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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