i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
