so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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