I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
