I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
