Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
