Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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