At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
