I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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