Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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