My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
That accounts for only three of the penises
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
