Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
