I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
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This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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