just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
