Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
