This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
