"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize