she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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