I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
