Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
