my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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