TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
i believe in u and ur pee
Randomize
