I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
