My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
