i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
