1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
