I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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