How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize