I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
