Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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