i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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